My perception of time has been uniquely skewed since Staci and I split.  It feels like I haven't written in weeks but I know it's only been a few days.  I experienced more within those few days than I have in nearly a year.  More life, I mean.  Pure, untarnished invigoration.   After Chase invited me last weekend I noticed I had no reason to say no.  "Why not?" I thought.  That seems to be what happens when your ship is wrecked and you become desperate for life - you become a "why not" individual.  

Que Sunday morning 8 AM - the road trip begins.  After hitting a bird with the windshield, I knew I was in for an interesting trip.  I had my worries about the car ride.  I foresaw a lot of quiet time where I'd be overwhelmed with bad thoughts but for the most part, this never took place.  Instead, there was fluid conversation and singing all day and all night into Kansas.

At about 12 AM Monday morning we drove under the stars about 9 miles north off the interstate to get gas.  I couldn't tell you what the city was actually called, but I can tell you it was empty.  Emptier than I've ever seen a city.  Of course it wasn't large, it was in Kansas.  But the downtown scene reminded me of a street in Athens, only inhabited by ghosts rather than drunk college kids.  After I disrespected the back of the gas station with my outdoors poop, I decided to walk towards the center of the intersection.  I felt confused and alone but more than anything distinctly aware that I was alive.  

That night we slept at a rest stop.  I got about 2 hours of sleep due to waking up shivering in my inefficient 52 degree sleeping bag.  I was about 33 outside.  I did, however, get to see the sun rise over the Kansas country - pure heaven.  I tried reading a Kurt Vonegut book into the Springs but was unsuccessful.  His writing reminded me too much of the unorganized, scattered, ramblings of a journal.  Once we drove through the Garden of the Gods on the edge of Colorado Springs we drove to Bryan's friend Tate's lake house.  There we listened to Tate's farfetched stories of intoxicated trouble at Miami Ohio as we drank beers on the porch looking out past a lake and the fresh Rockies.  3 beers was enough to get me mildly drunk at 8,000 feet of elevation.  So on the way to BV, I passed out in the back seat.  

The rest of the day consisted of getting settled in and paroozing BV with Chase.  After we ate cheap grocery store food, we walked down a near by train track and eventually steered off the tracks to a below stream.  Chase abandoned me to go attempt trout fishing with his bare hands so I decided to put on my socks.  I looked at my warm, toasty wool socks and then glances at the icy 33 degree river, then back at my socks, then back to the river.  I knew I needed to remember the process of fear and pain that the cold always presents.  So I rolled up my jeans and tip toed toward my great fear.  I slipped my pinky toe in to test the antarctic water and hesitated.  Then, with unfounded confidence, I stepped both feet into the stream and was immediately immersed in freezing anguish.  I was anxious to record my mental patterns.  At first, I heaved in breath and doubled over onto my knees.  For what seemed like 10 minutes but was actually one, I groaned and even yelped.  I stood there foolishly not sure what to do but let the hurt coarse through me.  Eventually, I began asking questions.  Why is this so cold?  Why does this hurt?  Why do I hate this?  Will the hurt stop?  If so, when?  If not, when can I get out?  What will I feel like if I get out?  What will happen if I stay in?  Do I want to get out?  Do I want to stay in?  What do I want?  What do I want?  What do I want?  It seems like, when we are in pain, our initial response is to begin fervidly asking maniacal questions.  Eventually, I felt warm strings of the stream wiggle through my toes and get caught on my ankles.  More questions arose.  The river assuredly isn't getting warmer, what is this feeling?  And the longer I stood there, the more of these heated misconceptions of feeling sanded my bare feet until eventually... they were completely embraced by these strings like a warm cast protecting me from the vicious cold.  Invincibility arrived.  With my hands still on my knees, I peered into the water at my snow white feet and juxtaposed my conscious self with the writhing cold they were enduring.  I stood up straight, took a long breath, and with hands stretching toward the Colorado clouds - prayed to the King.  The water was still cold, my veins were still pumping less blood, my skin was still white, and my pulse was still raging - but something had changed.  I felt stronger.  I suddenly saw the raw power of the cold and the river.  The river wields the cold to keep the weak away, but I had embraced and took its power into myself.  And once I made my weakness my strength, I felt invincible.  Eventually, Chase came by and became suspicious as to what I was doing with my bare feet in a freezing river with my arms stretched out.  And when I began to decide to get out, I became stricken with sadness.  I didn't want to part from my power.  My desperation had slid me into a position of untold strength and I wanted to stay.  I wanted to see how much longer I could stand there.  I wanted to push my endurance and my strength to its limits.  But I suddenly knew that I couldn't stand in a river forever.  There was a time and a place for it.  And I wasn't ready when I started but stronger than it at the end.  But it was time to give the power back and to move on. 

That Monday night, we met Kelly, the girl Bryan talked up to Chase to convince him he'd assuredly have a crush on once they met.  He did.  She stopped by the weather port and Chase worked his magic to convince her to go on an adventure with us.  After asking if one of us smoked a cigarette from the ashy smell looming in Bryan's SUV she directed us toward Crater Rock.  She clumsily misdirected us around the rock formations.  Scatter brained, spacey, and and stricken by wander - she reminded me of Staci.  Though the altitude crushed my tar filled lungs, the moonlight was extraordinarily strong enough to keep out headlamps in our pockets.  We eventually concluded our short, mislead hike on top of a rock with two, admittedly, unimpressive holes that were allegedly craters.  The view, though, was uncontainable.  It never seemed like we climbed much, but BV was completely under us.  All its lights overshadowed by Mount Yale and Mount Princeton and quietly invaded by the sweeping curvature of the Arkansas river.  I immediately likes Kelly.  Despite Chase's known dibs, my feelings stretched her direction regardless.  I don't mean that I liked her in the way I needed to have her, fight for her, and convince her to move back to NC so we could be close and date.  No.  I liked her personality.  I liked what it meant to me.  I like that I couldn't put my finger on her.  Her kindness was nonrestrictive and she eerily reminded me of Luna Luvgood from Harry Potter.  In a normal setting, I don't think I would have ever, ever found her attractive.  But under the moonlight, beneath the stars, overlooking BV and all of the Rockies' glory - she was divine.  She wasn't judgmental or fake, either.  She was unprecedentedly weird.  We stood there for nearly an hour and a half, the three of us, letting our imaginations do the talking and soaking in the feeling of what it means to love.  

Tuesday, Bryan worked all day so Chase and I bummed around talking deeply.  God, I love Chase.  If there is ever a woman I can converse with as well as I do with Chase, I will never let her go.  It's almost a curse to have a friend like him, because he sets the standard for beautiful conversation.  Conversation that not only deepens the well of my own intellect, but pierces the stubbornness of his own.  It's the type of conversation I cannot record because the vagueness of my own written vocabulary would put the shame the truth depth of what was actually said and how it was said.  We rode out past Twin Lakes into the snow to meet a Closed Road sign midway through the mountain.  We sailed through the woods, memorizing the trees and breathing in the snow, and the whole time we talked... talked... talked.  We drove north to Leadville where on the way, I saw the largest image I'd ever seen.  Really.  A valley hundreds of miles wide completely circled by the Collegiate Range.  God's art has never been more tangible.  Leadville is the highest inhabitable city in the US, sitting at an elevation of roughly over 10,000 feet (the 2 mile high city).  The ignorant bliss woven into that city is tremendous.    Though southern hospitality was very few and far between, I wish I would have grown up in such isolation.  No walmarts or malls, no starbucks, no packs of sorority girls and ugg boots, no fucking vespas, no subdivisions or household golf carts, and no hipsters with 1-gear bikes.  I am sure no one there could appreciate the scenery quite like someone from out of town, but I actually respect their blissful unawareness of the cruelty and disrespect of the outside world.  It seems so innocent not to have any clue of this world's wretchedness.  Because if you know, then you're blamed for running away.  We ate at a trashy mexican restaurant with a rude waitress and headed back to BV to puts around a thrift store, take a nap, eat at Mother's, and head to the girl raft guides' house to hang out. 

On the way back, though, we stopped by a nearby heap of mountain and stones overlooking the Arkansas river.  Chase dozed off in the SUV and I managed to ascend to the summit of this overlook.  And after smoking a cig and taking long glances in every direction, I came up with the best idea I've ever had in my life... to take a nap on top of the mountain... naked.  That's right.  I stripped down and gave my dong the pleasure of light saturation it has always dreamed of.  I let the cold wind ripple around my back, swim through my knees, and let the untainted sun rays soak my bare body completely.  I hadn't felt so alive in years.  I was being a why-not individual.  

That Tuesday night at the girls' place, I quickly found myself at home and comfortable with the residents.  I must admit, the girls were mostly all rough around the edges, but their rawness made them beautiful.  Seeing girls without make-up and clothed in old tees and scrunched track-shorts when they are actually used for outdoor activities as they were intended brought me pleasure.  For nearly an hour, I was privileged to make them laugh and purely enjoy their female company.  I knew I fit right in because some of them began asking when we could hang out again.  To my dismay, I had to reveal the truth I wasn't a Noah's employee but I was thankful for their eagerness to know me.  I had forgotten what it felt like for the desire to be known by another, even if it was in a small way.  Near the time before we left, I stood by Kelly and noticed a brown ring around her thumb.  I took it off without asking and asked if I could have it.  She looked at me oddly but without missing a beat said okay.  I told her I would be back at the end of the summer and she could pray for my safety because safety would ensure her ring back.  But I felt like a fool asking for prayer for safety.  Not that safety isn't important, but I felt the need for prayer for something more intimate and I told her that and that I would prayer for something intimate to her as well.  I said, "Moving on."  She asked from a girl and I nodded.  She asked how long ago and I said 3 weeks and a 3 year relationship.  She made a sour face and apologized out of tradition.  And I asked her what I should pray for her for when I looked at my ring.  She squared her stance, dropped her shoulders, and with an expressionless face whispered, "I don't know what the hell to do with my life."  The loudness and the excitement of the room was no place for a deep conversation but I extended my condolences and bad wisdom nonetheless.  She hugged me and thanked me for our 2-day friendship and I promised she'd see her ring again.

That night Chase walked beneath the powerful moon beams toward the river outside the weather port alone.  I stood at the picnic table watching the landscape disappear as a petite cloud blocked the moon and reappear as it passed.  I thought of the beauty of letting my heart grow.  I thought of my small meaningless crush and what it meant.  My heart stilled worked.  I wasn't broken.  I am surviving.  Despite the nastiest heart break I've endured yet, the milestone declaring "You're okay" brought a smile for me to see.  

Wednesday morning, I awoke and immediately walked out into the cold Colorado air to help Bryan and Chase air-pump boats.  Eventually the Noah's crew arrived and aided the three of us.  We told Bryan goodbye and set out to the coffee shop... Bongo Willy's (I think).  I hurt for Chase as he described his confusion.  I enjoyed Kelly and I liked the meaning of the way she made me feel, but Chase actually liked her for her.  I thought about Chase, out there as a raft guide, always busy with the river, climbing, camping, hiking, and participating in the overly social life of crammed households of girls and guys.  He was meant for a place like that.  Though camp is outdoors, it is a small version compared to Noah's.  I'm afraid Elijay, Ga. is quite insignificant compared to Buena Vista, Colorado. 

On the bus back to Denver, Chase and I sat next to one Julia's mom.  Julia is a raft guide at Noah's who's apparently so weird that she's perfect for me - but I've never met/seen her.  Her mother, Georgina, was an excellent woman.  We talked the whole 3 hours back to the airport.  You could tell that she earned life.  After traveling the world, her story of meeting her husband, and having 3 beautiful children - you could tell she knew the sweetness of life.  I must admit, it was disheartening to be so compatible and well liked by the mother of a girl who is allegedly someone I'd fall in love with.  But I presume meeting Julia will have to stay in the realm of my fantasies for now.  With a boyfriend and living in Texas, that dream will probably never see its chance.  I began to get sick at the Denver airport.  My throat was scratchy and I couldn't think straight.  Chase was abducted for nearly 30 minutes by security.  After they swabbed his hands, they found explosives residue on them and took him in a back room.  He got out and said what they did to him was unspeakable.  I thought it was hilarious.  He kept telling me I couldn't lose my smile, because if I did it was all over.  So I kept smiling.  I didn't want to - but I kept smiling.  The flight to Atlanta was delayed but luckily this disconnected many people and opened up seats on a once full flight.  They called standby-passengers and after some thorough pushing and shoving, Chase and I were at the front desk in seconds.  

I sat next to a very cute girl named Laura the way back home.  She had a deep voice and her "yeas" sounded like seal moans.  She was in Colorado for a meeting pertaining to her Ph.D in Atmospheric Sciences at Penn State.  A cute girl, with a Ph.D, whose 25, and.... and... here it comes... was a Battlestar Galactica fan.  Holy fucking shit.  Wow that's a nasty sequence of words.  I won't use that again.  We talked the whole way back.  She was interesting but oddly, I wasn't attracted to her.  I can already see how picky I'm becoming.  A dangerous aspect, but a good one I believe.  If anything, it made clear to me my successful ability to make a girl laugh and potentially become attracted to me.  There is nothing better, after a break-up, than realizing "you've still got it."  Unfortunately, after the flight, my brother drove up to get me rather than Chase's dad.  I didn't mean that inconvenience.  

My brother needs a lot of prayer.  I don't want to be negative, but he just seems so unhappy.  He complains a lot about a lot.  And I understand he's going through some rough things, but I hate how discontent he seems about the whole world.  It could be so much worse.  With a family whole loves him, a beautiful girlfriend, an unlimited platinum card, a healthy body, a cool car, a well-paying job, all sorts of insurances, a comfy bed to sleep in, and friends here and there... I don't believe so much complaining is well warranted.  But I know he'll come through.  God will change his heart.  

The day after, I became deathly ill.  I pooped my pants twice, threw up 20 times, and had a fever all of Thursday.  I apparently had no clue climate changes could affect someone so badly, but such is life.  I am alive.  I am very alive.

I don't know what this trip meant for me.  It meant a lot of things, I think.  It meant saying yes.  Yes to a lot of things.  To a 25 hour drive, to a freezing hammock in Kansas, to a sunrise, to a hundred cigarettes, to a drunken porch stupor, to wandering around streets, to getting me feet cold, to hiking to crater rock with a girl who helped me see I wasn't broken, to freezing again in a weather port, to conversations with Chase, to driving through snow capped mountains and drinking coffee really early in the morning, to finding God in landscapes, to asking for rings, to getting sick, to moving on.

Thank You, Lord. 

"Is loving continuously always the answer? If you remain in a bad situation... when does loving someone else hinder how much you love yourself?" - December, 2009.